Tub o’ lard

To cope up with the ever increasing speed and agility of my 2 year old son, I decided to enroll at a nearby gym.  It may not be obvious but I'm not new to this game.  I used to lift weights (although inconsistently) before and after I was married.  After Lean was born I stopped going to the gym but I still played some sports.  One of the exercises I still do is chasing my son around and of course some other stuff that I won't mention in this post…So, anyways, after all thats been lifted and jogged: why am I am still a tubby? 

I have a theory: its not that I don't workout hard enough - my body just won't cooperate.  Way back 9th grade, when we were training for COCC, all my buddies got buff, developed abs, etc etc, but from the entire team I can do the most pushups and jog the longest, still I developed the least.  Still a skinny little punk.  And then I gained weight at work.  Overtime + Fastfood = a whopping 20lbs with concentration on the cheek and tummy area.  I decided to go to the gym after I saw a photo of me with my neck and face looking like its one entity.  Also, there were burns on my thighs due to friction when walking.  So, at the gym I jog for 20 min, I complete all 3 sets 12 reps each, I workout MWF and some TTH I jog at Roxas blvd, still nothing or too little happens.  Our insturctor told me that I develop stamina and lose body fat, but what I want is to lose my cheek fat! I look like a damn siopao with nose!  Maybe that's why I got discouraged and just quit.  Because I know some people who just started working out but developed like a mofo.  I think its my metalobi…melatobi…mebato…nevermind. 

According to ME, my body is meant for a girl.  You know, I don't have boobies and a pussah (at least not yet) but what I meant was there are certain parts of my body which looks girly.  Take for instance my chicken legs.  If I shaved it and went hitch hiking, cars would definitely stop.  Also, my girly girly little hands.  My wife envies them, and girls back in highschool go gaga over my itsybitsy little fingers.  Brrr…just writing about it makes the hair at the back of my neck standup.  My arms too.  Just look at it and you'd win in court proving that I haven't lifted weights in my entire life.  On the other hand, my belly is very manly.  The only manly thing I got.  Plus my goatie and birdie.  My goatie is for masking my double chin, and my birdie, self explanatory.  You see, here's the thing: I look like KoolAid.  People agree with me on this.  One time I was at the back of an FX taxi and this girl in front of me whispered to her girlfriend "shucks ang payat ng legs…" then they giggled.  So I screamed "COULD YOU NOT BE MORE DISCREET?!!! YOU'RE HURTING PEOPLE'S FEELINGS HERE!!!"  Well, I screamed just in my head.  I'm not in denial or anything, I know they're telling the truth.  They're so insensitive.  They hurt me inside.  Ok.  I'll stop being a girl now.  Fuckin bitches.  If I had a buddy with me, I'd counter with "shucks and liit ng boobs…" and then we'd giggle like little girls.

This time I'll up the game.  I won't stop until I look like Arnold (Clavio) Shwar…Sylvester Stallone.  Plus I paid too much to just quit.  Before, we had a company gym and they shut it down because nobody else uses it.  It was just me and Joseph the dreaming Instructor.  He sleeps while I ran the treadmill.  That's how boring that gym was.  Also, from what I see, I am the second fittest man on the room, next to Joseph of course, and that makes it more dull.  Not this time! I feel and look fat standing side by side with this tall, handsome and macho…wait a minute…hey, I am not A GAY!  I am inspired with these guys and I am motivated!  I hope I still feel this way in a month or so.  Please pray to Papa Lord that I won't quit.  Please. 

So, I'll just update you, my faithful readers (yes, the both of you) with my (IF there ever will be) developments, and maybe I can confidently post nude photos of myself in striking poses hopefully in a few weeks or so.  It's just my third day and I feel buff already.  Thank you for bearing with me. 

Chicken!

Just passed my certification exam for SCSA last Friday.  No fancy story about this experience unlike my first exam.  I'm just proud that I still got a very high score eventhough I was reeking from last night's brandy. 

I am such a lazy ass.  I took my first exam last February and took a free retake of the supplementary training last March.  I promised myself that I'd take the exam right after my retake training so everything would still be fresh from memory blah blah blah.  It's so shameful that it took me 5 damn months to finally take the damn exam.  No excuses whatsoever.  I'm not a very busy person (as you can see, I blog at the office!) and I don't have extra curricular activities after hours!  (Just enrolled at a gym yesterday, but that's for another post.)  I'm just a lazy ass, that's all.  I even got a complain from my unfinished Gundam! The dude told me: "I would love to kick you in the face IF ONLY I HAVE MY RIGHT LEG YOU LAZY BASTARD!"  But he told me that through sign language because I haven't finished his face yet.

I am very happy that in my 5 years working on IT I finally have proof that I have a skill!  Its easy telling people around that you know something, but some people require proof.  A conversation would go something like this:

Dude 1: "Hey, I know how to cook pinakbut"

Dude 2: "Oh yeah? Prooovet!"

Dude 1: (reaches from his trench coat pocket and whips a certificate on the other guys face) "I am a certified pinakbut master at the Del Monte Kitchenomics School for the blind!"

Dude 2: (Impressed) "Whoa.  That's awesome!  Ok, Ok, I believe you.  But guess what? I know how to kick your ass!"

Dude 1: "Oh yeah? Prooove…argh"

(crickets…crickets)

Ok.  I'm lazy and corny.  BTW, I took the exam at Friday the 13th (insert evil laugh here), lucky number for me!