G’day?

15 months is a long wait.  Especially if what you're waiting for involves a huge amount of money, your kid's future, and your reputation.  We received an email from our lawyer last Friday advising us of our visa grant.  We now hold permanent resident visa for the land down under.  I felt relieved when I read the email.  I remember imagining myself doing cartwheels and jumping for joy after  receiving approval from the embassy.  But now that it's a reality, how come I am not that happy?  Should I be?

Well, I guess I have to be.  Number one, all the money that we spent didn't go to down the drain.  This was above all my worries, that I get to mooch some money from my Dad, my Tito and my cousins for something uncertain.  If only I am capable of fishing out processing fees out of my own pocket, denial of the visa wouldn't worry me as much.  I just don't wanna hassle anyone else.  Number two, as much as I'd love my son to be Filipino toe up, It would be great if he grows up in a first world country.  I'm not saying that growing up in the Philippines is bad or anything like that, I had an awesome childhood and I am a proud Pinoy.  It's just that I want my son to have that advantage in life, a higher possibility that he get to drive his own car when he turns 18 or get to travel the world with money he earned from a summer job and other stuff that are possible nearly for everyone in a first world.  These benefits are good for ones' personal growth.  Unless you are filthy stinky rich in our side of the planet, discovering oneself is limited.  Not hopeless, just limited.  I want Lean to grow up and reach full potential without the distraction of poverty and corruption.  Sometimes we need to see these, for awareness and to appreciate more the things we have, but these are hindrances nonetheless.  I think that only on the right conditions can a seed grow and fully blossom to a beautiful flower.  Or tree.  Or Whutev.  But of course I don't want him to be a coconut, brown on the outside, cracker white on the inside.  That's what I'll impose on him.  You are Pinoy so act like one dammit.  (Am I thinking too advanced?  Yes?  Go away.)  And finally, I'm happy that I didn't disappoint my loved ones.  I was worried that a denial letter would mean my reputation going down to zero.  I'm such a pleaser.  I hate it.  But what can I do?  If I can only UNinvolve everyone else, I'd do it.  But I'm poor.  Boohoo.

I'm not sure If I'm just so overwhelmed right now that it clouds the happiness that I should be feeling.  I know God is probably saying "I don't know what to do anymore earthling! You asked for this in your prayers right?! Jeeesus Christ!",  and Jesus answers back "Yes Dad?" Haha.  I want this to happen.  I do.  It's just that I don't know exactly what I'm feeling right now.  I think this is more of anxiousness than loniless.  I'm about to embark on a new journey.  From scratch.  In a totally different world.  And I'm taking the wife and kid with me.  That gives me the right to be nervous right? Wrong.  I can't show this to the wife because she'll be nervous too.  I have to be tough, even just for show.

In one side, of course, I am sad.  Is there anything good in goodbye?  I love the Philippines.  And I'd hate to leave her.  I'll miss the Filo way of life so much that even if we haven't left yet I already want to go back!  I'll surely miss gluttony during Christmas, and the choking black smoke of New Years.  I'll miss drinking sessions at Lucena, and the pulutans that scream FILIPINO.  I'll miss my family, and surely they'll miss Leanpot.  I'll miss working filipino style - petiks around the office and I'll miss harassing my co workers.  I know they'll miss me harassing them.  I'll miss paddling with the blue phoenix on the filthy waters of manila bay.  I'll miss drinking with those fuckers.  I'll miss everything about the Philippines.  Except the garbage.  And sinigang sa bayabas.  Ewww.  Gawd, I might even miss Willie Revillame.

As advised, our initial entry deadline is May 25 '08.  I still have a few months left to be emo and shit.  And to my officemates who might read this (yes, kris and morning, the both of you) chiklet lang ha? wala kasi akong ibang outlet kundi itong blog, alkohol at droga.  atin atin na lang muna.  orayt? orayt.

So, is this a G'day?  More like a G'bye huh?  I hope you wish us G'luck, we'll need lots of them.  I think I should be happy because in a few months we'll be cheek to cheek with the happiest people on earth! (as of 2005, hehehe)